you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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