Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Randomize
