I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
