i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
