As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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