so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
