You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Randomize
