Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
PS: I just woke up from my shower
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Randomize
