Porn is love you can see.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
