its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Randomize
