Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Randomize
