Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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