i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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