I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
