i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
Randomize
