literally had 100 drinks last night.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Randomize
