I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
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