We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Randomize
