I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Randomize
