He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I FOUND THE LEGS
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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