70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
