May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Randomize
