I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
I have feelings that need drinking.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Randomize
