After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
Randomize
