yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Randomize
