i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
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