Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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