saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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