If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
He passed out mid-signature
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
How does one acquire holy water?
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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