My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
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