nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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