why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
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