I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Randomize
