He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
