oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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