I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
