he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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