guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
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