I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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