my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Randomize
