Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
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He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
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For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
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