I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
