A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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