she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
