Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
