i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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