I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
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