We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
