this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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