Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
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