she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
