the dr. explained that the first big patch is called a herald patch since it's biggest. So his name is Harold the Patch.
Wow. You named your rash.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
