My nipple is on Facebook.
i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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