tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Randomize
