The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
