Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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