I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween