Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
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They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
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We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Randomize
