I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
