my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
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